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Fear Disguised as Wisdom In Your Life

wisdom, fear, hope, christ

Recently I found myself just gripped with fear. Fear of parenting properly. Fear as to whether or not I’m being the best version of myself. Fear as to whether or not I’m supporting my husband and being a good wife. It felt like I fell into a sink hole after being on the mountain top. I’m not sure what happened, but some call it waking up on the wrong side of the bed and others call it waking up on the wrong side of bad programming. I like the latter better, because earlier on in my life I worried about just the basics such as food, clothing and shelter.

I grew up in a bamboo hut with dirt floors and when it rained, our dirt floors often turns to mud. When it stopped, we would door more repairs to brace for the next rainstorm. My bed was a few pieces of boards covered with old clothes that no longer fit my brother or was too worn for my father.

Much of my early years was a hand to mouth idea. Fortunately God strategically placed people in my life to help me dream bigger than my next meal. I broke out of what most thought was impossible and became the first in my family to finish college. But deep inside I was still dealing with fear.

When I got saved, I asked many of questions about provisions. For some reason I like to plan. I honestly don’t know if that’s the way I was created or if life’s hard circumstances has made me that way. So when I planned to start a family, a business, go on a certain vacation and it doesn’t work out even closely to what I had in mind, it causes me to panic internally. 🙁

I often look at friends and see God providing richly for them in ways that seems impossible and I get jealous. Yep, jealous, because in my mind, I’m checking all the boxes, I’m reading, working on myself, helping others, but then when it comes to my needs, it feels like they have been left by the wayside as roadkill.

You remember that story of the prodigal son? Well, I was the good son. I stayed and felt unrewarded. I’m a Christian because it’s a fire past to Heaven. I had no idea what it really meant to be a daughter of royalty. Slowly fear, jealously and envy began taking up space in my heart. I got jealous of other moms having babies and me being passed over yet again. Terrible I know! But true.

I had developed a pauper mentality that the church often disguise as wisdom. I thought for sure that there are only so many babies in heaven and God may run out. And if He runs out and I don’t get one I will never be a mom.

This pauper and poverty mentality trickled into all areas of my life. I can trace it back to as young as I can remember, because we never had enough. Especially when my mom left, I was five years old and we just didn’t know how to make ends meet at that point.

As I fell off the face of the Earth into a sink hole recently, I was met with Philippians 4:19 on the way done and this verse has been strengthening me.

But my God shall supply all your need according to His riches in glory by Christ Jesus

This verse has been directing me and holding me up to know that God will supply all of my need… every single need that’s on my heart. This verse has been showing me that I have promises in Christ which are yes and in Him amen. I have a choice between faith and fear, and for the last several weeks, it’s been a rough battle. But I’m so grateful, that God doesn’t run out of anything I may need, whether that’s physical or emotional. He has an abundance stored up for everyone of us.

So what lies has been crowding your life and mind and disguising itself as wisdom? Today I want to challenge you to ask God to show you what those things are and allow Him to walk you through the inner healing process.

Keeping it real

Karena

 

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